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I like you. [Jun. 19th, 2012|01:01 pm]
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Our culture doesn't have a word or concept for "whatever relationship meets both of our needs and desires". We have a dozen different labels for specific types of relationships, but where those terms overlap or don't apply we really have nothing suitable. This problem plagues me on a regular basis, so I'm going to write this all out in a fashion that I can link to people in the future. It might seem impersonal, and it is a little, but I'll accept that to avoid potentially hazardous miscommunication and hopefully lead to figuring these things out more easily or sooner.

If I've linked you directly to this post, I probably like you. How I like you is something we should discuss, but there's an exceptionally good chance that my desires aimed at you are a superset of yours for me, and in that light I'd like to open a dialogue with you. I'd like to know how you feel about me. What furthering of our relationship would be comfortable to you, and what might I do to accommodate that? I assign enough value to keeping our acquaintance or friendship stable that I would give up the possibility of having more with you to avoid risk of alienating you out of my own ignorance.

I'm comfortable with drawing lines wherever they need for maximum fulfillment and comfort on both our parts. I don't need A to enjoy B, whatever A and B might be. Don't assume that we can't have X because we don't have Y. If you want X, tell me you want X, and if I want X too then we can do X. If you don't want Y, tell me you don't want Y, and that won't be a problem.

That said, I have to be straightforward on one crucial point. The amount of effort I invest in our relationship will be somewhat proportional to how much enjoyment or fulfillment I get out of it (unless we have Something Serious, because there are definitely people for whose enjoyment I will disproportionately sacrifice my own). To put that into terms that seem obvious (readers of my other posts will know that I put no stock in things being ok only if you don't talk about them) but offend some people and will come across as brutally blunt, I'll travel farther and more often to see you if we are having sex. I'll talk to you more often, and provide a shoulder for you to cry on, if we sometimes talk about things that I am interested in, and if you're also a good listener when I need one. I don't require instant gratification, and I'm capable of investing for the future and quite confident in my abilities of extrapolation, so don't worry if we aren't both on exactly the same timeline with regard to things, but know that in the long run they will tend to equalize.

Here are links to three mostly-identical copies of something I wrote about consent in relationships a while back. They are due for updating, but still very relevant:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/sparr-risher/consent/304342939580939
http://sparr0.livejournal.com/47918.html
https://fetlife.com/users/20911/posts/919116
I'll be writing an updated version of that, including some recent revelations and alternative acceptable approaches, in the near future.

And here, for your snarking pleasure, is a list of many of the things I probably want to do with you. I'd like to arrange to do some or all of them, in any permutation or combination, and you should let me know if any of them appeal to you. They get progressively more explicit as the list goes on, so feel free to stop reading once it's into territory that makes you uncomfortable, but don't assume that it's a hierarchical list at all.

I want to...
chat with you online
exchange long email chains with you
be in the same place at the same time as you
share your company in a social setting with our mutual friends
share your company in an indoor or outdoor activity with our mutual friends
monopolize your company in a public social setting
monopolize your company in a private social setting
travel to visit you
or vice versa
play video games with you
play tabletop games with you
spend the night with you
cuddle
see you naked
engage in any of the kinks I've already told you about
engage in any of the kinks I haven't already told you about
learn about your kinks
give you an orgasm
or vice versa
[if we get this far, the remaining specific items that could fill out the list will probably have come up in conversation already, or you'll have found my various online writings, profiles, photo galleries, and plenty other sources of information about the things I like to do with people I like]
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: kdsorceress
2012-06-20 11:03 pm (UTC)

(Link)

[x] All of the above and more